I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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