Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
