I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
