I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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