dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
