good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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