Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
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