I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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