so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
