I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
