I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
