The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
