I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I've blown a few things in my day
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
