I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
