A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
