It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
