U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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