You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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