One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
