Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize
