so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Everything about him screamed your future.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
