My first STD was from a foam party
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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