I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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