Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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