Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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