The maid of honor just puked.
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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