It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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