I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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