So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
