the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
