We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
