So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
babies were throwing up all over the place
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
