I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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