What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
