How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize