Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
