And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
