Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
