Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize