I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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