Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
