I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
