Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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