Define "chronic" masturbator.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
