Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
