she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Rumble strips road head = magical
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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