I think I died a long time ago.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
