I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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