omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Ketchup is God's man juice
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
he fucked my hip out of place.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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