Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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