We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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