a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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