You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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