if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
