She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
