I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize