apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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