Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize