woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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