Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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