Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
