Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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